January 10, 2017

Today I started with therapy: EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

I had to picture a memory in my mind, and the psychologist asked me how I felt about it. She had like this stick she moved in front of my eyes and I had to follow it with my eyes. Then she stopped, and asked me how I felt again. Again had to follow the stick. I couldn’t focus on my thoughts about the picture I had in mind, but had to focus on the moving stick. That’s a bit of explanation how EMDR works.

I don’t really know how I feel right now. It’s been 2 hours since I’ve had my first therapy, and I’m just like, empty. I don’t feel sad or angry. I feel like I’m just… okay?

But I don’t know what it means to be “okay”. Because I haven’t been “okay” for a long time the last couple of weeks. My mood is going everywhere. Sometimes I’m extremely sad, or tired, and then BOOM: I’m so angry.

Today I learned during EMDR how to cope with my anger. I got the knowledge that I shouldn’t project my anger to anyone who I’m not really angry at. I can let myself be angry at the person who put me through all this, in my mind. I can yell at him, cry at him, punch him, but all in my mind. And after I did that during therapy, I felt a sort of rest coming over me.

I don’t know what the effects of the therapy will have on me the next couple of days, but I’m not that affected right now. I’ll just have to wait and see for myself. My psychologist said that I could get a headache or be extremely tired, or just could sleep a bit better afterwards. But it could also be like nothing happened, no difference in behaviour or thoughts. And that’s also okay. Everything could happen.

But right now, I’m relieved. I’m starting to think that today is a good day. Today is the day I’ve had my first therapy. And from now on, I’m getting better. I’m going to get stronger every week, maybe every day. And there will be downturns. But that’s okay. Because I’m going forward, I tell myself from now on. Today I finally did get help to get better.

The only reason I’m looking back to the past is to heal from it. Not to sob in it. It’s not holding me back anymore, I tell myself. And of course maybe tomorrow I will feel awful again because of it, but I’m going to get there. I’m going to get wherever I want to be in life.

 

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