January 17, 2017

Today I feel like a ticking timebomb.

I started the day with participating in my “normal schedule”, which is a good thing. I went to school and got to do the things I should be doing.

In the afternoon, I had to see my psychologist again for EMDR. This time, she decided to make it even more intense, to ask me to follow the red dot with my eyes when thinking about the image in my cognitions AND ask me to be arthimetic. I will guarantee you: you can’t focus on your cognitions. And I know that’s the whole point of EMDR, but it’s just a little frustrating sitting there and reliving your trauma but also thinking about following the red dot and correctly answer the mathemetic questions.

The most frustrating thing about EMDR is you have to relive your trauma.

I can tell from experience now: it is worse than you think. The rest of the day I had an headache and I was extremely tired. Later that afternoon appeared my depressed mood again. Hello there, old friend. In the evening, the depressed mood was taking over by anger. I just don’t know how to feel. I don’t even know why I’m in all the different kinds of moods. I don’t want to be a ticking timebomb. Everyone around me is waiting for me to explode. To get all angry again and push everyone away. Because I’m so angry all the time.

In therapy, EMDR, I get angry too. Most of the time, I’m angry at the people who didn’t save me, but knew it was happening to me. I’m so angry because I would save ANYONE I could from this living hell. They don’t know the consequences this mess has on my life. I can barely go out to do something without people telling me I shouldn’t because they’re worried about the consequences it COULD have on my mental illness. GOSH. I’m so frustrated as I’m typing this. I want to feel free again. I want to do what I want to do, impulsively. In stead of thinking about activities with all the possibilities to save me when it isn’t going ok in my mind (like, losing my temper). And I have to go through all this, because some people were too scared to stand up for me. I feel like I’m disappointed in them. Because I know I would. If I could help myself in that situation, I would. But now, I have to help myself in this situation.

And that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna help myself in this situation. I will have to learn about being a ticking timebomb, but that’s ok. Because I have faith in me. I can do this. (If you tell yourself frequently enough, you will think that you can. This is used during a therapy called “cognitive behavior therapy”: if you change your cognitions, you will change your behavior because of it).

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