January 19, 2017

Today, there was a “tea topic” on my tea-bag. It asked me: “What would you say to your younger-self?”

It popped a lot of questions in my mind: my younger-self? How old is my “younger-self”? What should the topic be? What had my younger-self already experienced so far?

But: I can just make it up in my mind. I picture it to be to my younger-self when I was 15 years old.

I would tell myself:

You shouldn’t punish yourself for him not loving you. There are a lot of other guys out there, wanting to love you so bad. But you only give them a hard time, because they love you but you won’t love them back. After some time you never talk to them again, because you never had feelings for them. You break their hearts the same way he did to you.

Baby girl, you’re so beautiful for loving someone and holding on to him. Even when you want to let him go, you can’t. Your heart is full of forgiveness, and I admire you for it. But don’t let him hurt you in a way you can’t fix yourself. But you did. It’s okay. Life’s full of lessons. But love, remember this: you don’t have to look for him in any other man, because you deserve someone who loves you back. You don’t have to fight for him, because you’ll already lose the battle before it had even started. You wouldn’t have anyone to fight for, because he is long gone.

Love, you are gonna be hurt in so many ways. You are gonna lose people you didn’t ever want to lose. But you’re gonna be okay. Because you have your memories. You have to cherish them.

But you’re also gonna be hurt in a way you shouldn’t ever had to be facing. But you’re stubborn, so you’re never gonna ask for any help. That’s why you’re gonna be hurt. You can’t fix this on your own. You’re gonna be in physical pain, because of your mental pain. Love, it’s gonna be the worst pain you’ll ever experience.

You remember the times when you were bullied because you were chubby? You won’t be chubby anymore. You will live with underweight. How is that even possible? Baby, you will experience you’re losing your appetite once you’re where I am now. All you can think about is surviving the day in your mind. It’s hell. I know the definition of hell now.

You will cry for days. You will lay in bed, wanting someone to stop the pain, stop the guilt. But really, love, there is no guilt. It’s the depression. You did nothing wrong. He did this to you, you have to remember that. Would you tell your friend she should have done something more to make it stop? No, you wouldn’t. You did nothing wrong. Please, please, please, remember that. Don’t be too fucking harsh on yourself, because I was.

You will have amnesia because of your psychosis. It’s okay, love. Maybe it’s for the best you don’t remember. I don’t want to think of you as a monster, because you’re not. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are the same lovely girl you were half a year ago. You just grew in that half year. You had to learn to cope with a trauma. It’s hard dealing with something like that. It really is. But you can do it. But don’t let anyone stand in your way to fix yourself in help of your psychologist.

I don’t know when you’re ever gonna be the “you” you remember yourself to be. I don’t know when the nightmares are gonna stop. I don’t know when the flashbacks are gonna stop. I don’t know when the mental illness is not an illness anymore. I don’t know when I’m being cured of PTSD and depression. All I know now is that you have to fight with whatever is inside of you. Pull it out now. You have to use it. For you. To fix you.

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