January 24, 2017

As I am writing this, I am currently sitting in the train. We got a notification that there was someone who jumped in front of the train: suicide.

A few people sitting in the train with me, sigh. “Another one! A week ago there was also someone who committed suicide. It’s always committed at the same spot. They have to build something so they can’t get on the rails anymore!”
As I am listening to their voices, listening to their awful thoughts, I get angry and sad.

They don’t get it. I awfully believe they really don’t get it. They don’t get what it feels like to be suicidal. Maybe even have a mental illness. Maybe even be in physical pain caused by the mental pain. All they can think about is that they can’t be at work on time. And that’s frustrating, I get that. But it’s not life-changing. Committing suicide is.

I know lots of people don’t understand what it is like to have suicidal thoughts. I didn’t even get it myself before I got them. You have to be strong to not give in. Some people can, some people can’t. And that’s not something to judge. Suicidal people have to fight everyday, to survive. It’s a battle everyday. Your mind is a killer. I really think mental illness (like suicide) can kill you. It can make you kill you. When you’re losing your battle every day for a month, I get it you don’t want to fight anymore. I got tired of fighting, too.

I get so sad because of the lack of empathy people have. People are so selfish. They only think of the effects a suicide have on them, instead of thinking of the effects the suicide has on the suicidal person. The life of the selfish people will move on, they won’t think about this one suicide attempt five years from now. But the life of the suicidal person is over. That person can’t move on. And that was his choice.

But I think of a suicidal person as a surviver instead of a loser of a battle. I know lots of people who wouldn’t survive being suicidal. Suicidal people are strong: they coped with being suicidal for weeks, months, maybe even years. They fight every day; every minute of every hour. They’re just tired of fighting. And when you’re tired, you go to sleep.

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