March 7, 2017

This post won’t be about my story about being diagnosed with PTSD and how I cope with it.

This post will be about my obsessed thoughts about losing weight.

The last few days I’m really sad. I’m tired. I’m depressed. And I really am. I am diagnosed with depression.

Because of the depression, I had a lack of appetite. But now, it’s just not okay anymore. I’m losing weight on purpose. And I know it’s bad. I’m already underweight. But I don’t like my body like this. I want the fat gone. I just want to be thin.

Don’t get me wrong; I know what I’m doing. I just want to lose a little more weight. The thing is that the weight just don’t disappear as easily as I would want to. So I’m speeding up the proces by eating as less as I could.

The last few days I’ve been feeling so depressed, I can’t even describe it. I hate my body. When I ate too much the last few days, I would try to throw up. It didn’t work out the way I wanted to, but there came something. I searched for tips on the internet. I knóóów. It’s a bit dramatic.

I told my boyfriend about it the minute I threw up. He got angry. He told me I had a few hours to tell my parents or he would. I didn’t tell them, by the way. Nor did he.

When I saw him the other day, we were in a fight about it. He told me he didn’t want to live with me if I would stay this obsessed with not-eating and throwing up. I got angry. I felt betrayed. He was the only one who knew about me being obsessed with all this. I trusted him. And now he threatened to leave me if I would go on with this. He told me just to “eat like a normal person”.

“Eat like a normal person”… I don’t want to. I created an “abnormal” diet months ago, even before I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. Just started to eat even less than the “abnormal” diet already contained.

My diet on a normal day now is like:
9:30 – breakfast: 350 ml low-fat yogurt
12:30 – lunch: 1 carrot, 0,5 paprika, 20 slices of cucumber, 7 cherrytomatoes
16:00 – 1 carrot, 0,5 paprika
18:30 – dinner: 3 boiled potatoes, 1 cup veggies, a piece of meat or fish

I think it’s okay. I’m okay with it.

Today I got upset in the bus to school. A girl from my class asked me a bunch of stuff about what I was having for lunch today.

“Just veggies? That’s all? Do you even like it? You don’t eat any bread, do you? So how do you get your proteins on a daily basis? Do you also eat something like fruit?”

… Don’t fucking bother me with those fucking questions. Mind your own damn business. Sorry for the language.

When I got home, my grandma asked me which size I was wearing. She told me she also had that size when she was younger, so I felt a bit better; I wasn’t skinny. My size is normal.

I dídn’t threw up anymore since my boyfriend asked me not to. I felt like doing it, but didn’t do it. Instead; I ate less.

In January my psychologist told me I should gain weight for EMDR. I would need the pounds on my body to cope with the effects EMDR would have on my body. I didn’t want the pounds on my body then. I don’t want them now.

When my psychologist asked me how gaining weight had gone the last few weeks, I would be honest with her, because I don’t want to lie to her. I told her it had gone awful. She would give me some sermon and I would move on. She told me it was “normal” for a depressed person to lose appetite, but not to have obsessed thoughts about losing weight and not-eating. She told me I would get anorexia as a diagnose too, if I would go on with this obsessed behaviour. She didn’t ask me for weeks how it had been going. I’m relieved. Because I’m not anorexic, you see. I got this. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but when I’m on my “ideal weight” and when I’m skinny enough when I look in the mirror, I will stop with losing weight. I will. But not yet.

Tomorrow, I will have to attend to a high-tea of my internship. It’s a nightmare. I don’t want to attend. I don’t want to be confronted with food which will make me fat. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be around people who are eating those foods. It makes me sad. I don’t want to throw up anymore. It hurts my throat when I do. I’m stuck in my thoughts. I will háve to attend. Just not going to eat any of those things, I told myself. Otherwise I will HAVE to throw up. Gotta stick to my diet if I want to lose weight to reach my goal.

For my next year in my study, I will have to get a new internship. I have Always been interested in caring for people who have an eating disorder. But wanting to be an intern there, meant having to eat the menu for the people with the eating disorders. I saw the menu. I was shocked. I’m not willing to eat thát amount of food. So I walked away.

Just needed to get my thoughts out here. Sorry. Thanks.

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