March 9, 2017

I’m going crazy.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who to talk to.

I feel alone. I feel powerless. I feel all these emotions so fucking intense. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of those emotions.

My boyfriend is rejecting me because I wanted to throw up after dinner. I hate being fat. I don’t want my body anymore. I feel like I should lose weight faster.

I got rejected for an internship today.

I’m so fucking depressed this whole week. I can’t take it anymore. The only thing I can do is cry.

I don’t know what to do. I feel powerless.

I feel like I’m empty. Not because of the food. I just, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out. I’m in panic.

I don’t know who to trust. The person I trusted is rejecting me now. He won’t talk to me anymore. I tried everything. What the hell should I do?

All I can do is cry. I don’t want to feel like this. I just want to live my life to the fullest. I want to be happy again. What makes me happy? I don’t know. Him? I know this shouldn’t be the answer. But he was the first thing in my mind when I asked myself the question.

He doesn’t even know how much he means to me. Nobody else knows about my secrets of the eating-habits and throwing up. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t know what to do. Please fucking help.

 

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I wrote that 20:30 AM. It’s 22:00 AM now.

I told my parents. The whole stuff. The eating as less as I could, feeling the need to throw up. The thoughts.

My dad told me this can’t go on any longer. We should fight it now. The battle isn’t lost. We should fight it now, it won’t ever get easier. I know, I know, I know…

I just don’t want to. I don’t want to confess to my psychologist.

Am I anorexic? I don’t think I can already be anorexic. I’m not like a bag of bones or something. I still have fat on my body. I’m not like the stereotype “anorexic-patient”. I don’t earn it to be diagnosed with something like that…

 

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