March 11, 2017

It’s Saturday and I’m in pain.

I’m blowing up my own mind. My boyfriend is. My dad is.

I wrote in my last post about confessing to my parents about the eating-thing. Because I had gone mad, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I needed help because the only one who I trusted didn’t wanna talk to me anymore because he couldn’t handle it anymore. He still can’t. He wanted to break up with me this afternoon. I didn’t want him to.

We were at a party last night and he hadn’t talked to me at all. The minute he talked to me, he was mad because of me throwing up a few days ago. Well, I don’t want it either. But sometimes I feel like I have to. It’s like I’m being forced by myself.

I’m stuck in my own head. I’m mentally ill. There’s too much for me going on in my head.

And that’s why I stopped eating properly. I don’t feel as many emotions then. It feels good. It feels like a distraction of all the things going on in my head.

Because I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to be in any more pain. I just want the pain to stop. Make it stop, please. I’m done fighting.

I’ll have to confess to my psychologist too, on Monday. The thing is; I don’t want to. But if I don’t, my boyfriend really IS breaking up with me. My parents will be even more horrified and I will be thinner and thinner. It won’t ever be enough. I know that. It’s not okay for a young woman to have a weight of a 12 year old. But it feels soooooooo good. It’s an addiction.

Am I ready to be cured? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I feel like I HAVE to. I’m being forced by everyone around me.

I just want it. I don’t want to stop. Not until I got the ‘label’. It’s just a game. I can stop whenever I like. I just don’t want to stop just now. That will feel like failure. Like I can’t even get some label for the addiction of getting thinner. When I’m being honest, and I really am now, I just want it. I want to go on like this until I’m getting the label anorexia. It’s absolutely crazy. I know that. I need help. I know that. I just want to go on until I get it, and then I will get help for it. Does it make any sense to you? Because to me it does. But for my loved ones, it’s unforgivable to go on like this and starve myself to lose weight. They don’t want me to be unhealthy.

My boyfriend doesn’t want a girlfriend who’s instable. He wants to build on me. He can’t now, he told me. I told him to wait. He’ll see I’ll be okay again.

Just not now. But it has to be a secret. The addiction just started.

 

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